


Between the Waves and the Rocks

by Nisushi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Adventures on an almost abandoned island, Fair Isle - Scotland, Fluff and Angst, Hidekaneweek2020, M/M, Making Up, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:42:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28048668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisushi/pseuds/Nisushi
Summary: Written for Hidekaneweek 2020.“Well, hello to you.”Started, Kaneki gaped at Hide. “You have an accent.”Hide looked like he was in the middle of laughing and amazement. “You think so?”“Uh, yeah.” He had to look away for a second, because he was scared of Hide seeing his heart fail. He felt shy. “And, hi.”Kaneki comes to visit Hide at a lighthouse on Fair Isle, Scotland. Two years after what Hide loved to call the Revolution, they still have a lot to talk about.
Relationships: Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Nagachika Hideyoshi
Comments: 21
Kudos: 35





	1. The Tower

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Hidekaneweek 2020!   
> After a personal Tokyo Ghoul revival, I couldn't skip this year. 
> 
> Please enjoy, and if anyone is willing to beta-read my stuff, I'd be happy to hear from you!
> 
> ~N

Whereas Kaneki had really tried his best to get the hang of the English language, he had no idea what the old man in front man was telling him. Amongst the tourists that were occupying the small harbour, Kaneki had spotted the man who looked like a local. 

Now he was just looking awkwardly at the man who was jovially telling him how to get to the lighthouse. Or that’s what Kaneki thought. Damn himself and his stubbornness for thinking that the Ordering at a Restaurant chapter was enough to survive. 

The man also had two teeth left and spoke with such a dialect that made Kaneki feel like crying. 

He politely thanked the man the best he could after he was done -again, Kaneki _ thought _ that was the case-, and went off, down the muddy path and into the gray green hills that stretched out as far as he could see. 

The sky was grey as well: the drizzle was a pain and the wind kept blowing off the hood of his windbreaker. Kaneki shivered as he heaved up his backpack, pulling the strings of his hood as a small bus full of tourists drove by. He knew it was the hair, and maybe the fact that he had looked so mournful on the ferry, but the staring had been nonstop since he had arrived at the airport back in Shetland. Not to be poetic, but the promise of days without any nosy strangers or colleagues felt like such a liberation. Kaneki could almost forget he had a backpack that weighed a shitton strapped on his back. 

If Kaneki had made anything out of his short exchange with that man, he knew that it was just one path to the Southern lighthouse. Ten minutes and he realised that even without the instruction, there was no way he could have taken the wrong turn. 

The last time that Kaneki felt like he was surrounded by absolutely nothing, when was that? He supposed it had been one of his dreams, but never in real life. This was pretty surreal: The drowsy sky made the stark hills pop out, he hadn’t heard any sign of life except for the occasional bleats of a sheep. It was him, the sheep, and heeps of hay. 

He followed the path through a small village, the path still splashing under his footsteps. Small white houses with dark rooftops were spread across the hills. Everyone was a neighbour to anyone, and no one was someone’s neighbour. In his very short research of scrolling through the island’s website, Kaneki had found out there were only about sixty people living here. And they said Utopias didn’t exist.

Freezing and with soggy socks, Kaneki spotted the tip of the lighthouse. He would be the last to admit it, but his stomach tightened up as marched forward. His hands kept cramping up and he was short on breath. 

He was fucking nervous. 

Leaving the hills behind him, there was no protection against the harsh blows of wind that came from the sea. This was good. That way, Kaneki would be forced to ask for entrance. 

The stark whiteness of the tower and the house at its feet was eerie to see from a distance, but then Kaneki saw light behind the windows when he came closer. The weather-worn building felt homely, and that was where he would leave it at. 

There was no porch to protect him from the rain as he was waiting for the door to open. He rang the rusty bell, done as the sign on the door had told him to, and waited with his heart somewhere in his throat. He was also scared that if there wasn’t going to be any response, he would have to climb the tower and search himself.

“Well, hello to you.” 

Started, Kaneki gaped at Hide. “You have an accent.” 

Hide looked like he was in the middle of laughing and amazement. “You think so?”

“Uh, yeah.” He had to look away for a second, because he was scared of Hide  _ seeing  _ his heart fail. He felt shy. “And, hi.”

The hand on his shoulder also scared him, but Hide meant no harm. He pulled him a little with a smile.

“You should’ve called me. The weather is shitty and I have a car.” Hide stepped out of the doorway so Kaneki could step inside. “You know you were allowed to call me.”

It was so warm inside. Ten o’clock in the morning and the fireplace was already blazing. And Hide had a slight accent now. “I like to walk. The site said this was a good place to hike.”

Hide still had his arms folded over each other, but he looked endeared. “You hate hiking. You never went hiking ‘for fun’.” 

“Maybe I’m trying out some new hobbies.” 

“Again, you knew you could call me. Hand me your backpack.” Hide stretched out his hand and took the back from Kaneki. “You’ll have to take one of the guestrooms, but they’re all free so it’s your pick.”

Up the white stairs was a small hallway with four doors. Kaneki peaked into each of them, then took the smallest one with the single bed. It had a wooden dresser and mirror, and a window looking out on the hills. “The view is lovely here. Everywhere, actually.”

Hide dropped the backpack on the ground by the door. “I still think it’s pretty dope, and I’ve been living here for two years now.”

It’s been two years already? Kaneki swore Hide was thinking the same, and maybe was even thinking about some more. At least he got lips to purse again. 

Kaneki mentally hit himself for thinking that.

“So… I can get your jacket dry and warm for you, but I’m gonna give you another one when we’re going out. Also, socks.” Hide was already turning around, back downstairs. “Do you still want to go out today? Because I’ll get you another pair of shoes too.”

He again gestured to Kaneki to take his stuff off, so Kaneki handed him his stinky socks together with his wet shoes and jacket with reluctance. For a moment, he was lost at what to do next now that Hide was busy at the fireplace. He needed something to do, or to say, but he’d rather not talk about anything that was ready to bust out of his mouth. Instead, he sat down and told himself to be good. 

“Well, if you need to go out anytime soon, I’ll come with you,” Kaneki finally got out.

“Dude, is that what you really want? Because I can see you shivering.”

Hide had turned his head to look at Kaneki, unimpressed. It wasn’t so much the face Hide pulled, because Kaneki knew that face, and would never grow bored of seeing that face. In theory. 

It just had been so long ago. Kaneki had to look away so he wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. 

“It would be good to stay here, maybe?” A couple of years ago, Hide had gifted him a self-study paperback that said ‘Choose Yourself!’ on the front. As a joke. That’s what Kaneki told himself every time he acted like a moron who had no self-worth. 

“That’s good. Now get undressed.”

He felt himself flush, feeling feverish in the damp clothing. “Are you serious?”

“Of course I am. Go upstairs, get undressed, take a bath. Just drop your clothes in the hallway so I can pick them up.” Then, Hide grinned. “Unless you want me to get in there with you.”

“No, I’ll leave them outside!” Kaneki leapt upstairs to wring himself out of his clothes and lock himself up in the small bathroom. 

Getting under the shower required squeezing in and water pressure was non-existent, but the warm water had made him sigh when it hit his back. The wooden panels stuck to the walls were painted soft blue recently as they had been white on the picture Hide had sent him some months ago. He noticed small licks and patches of blue paint on the window sill, smiling at Hide’s messy job. 

Outside in the hall lay a dry pile of clothing ready for him. They were very warm, and Kaneki worried about the rest of his own clothes. He hadn’t thought three-layered outfits were a must. 

Hide was busying himself in his small kitchenette. “Honestly, this is such a cliché. The only shit I have for you here is coffee. Sorry dude,” he said when Kaneki leaned on the kitchen table. “When did you eat? I’ve got some food in the freezer. I let it ship in a month ago.”

“Coffee is fine. And I ate just before leaving.” He got a cup pressed into his hands before he finished his sentence. “It smells better than I can remember from you,” he teased with a grin. 

“What can I say? Becoming a host has  _ changed  _ me.” 

Kaneki looked over at the pile of brochures lying on the table. “You’re not missing out on too many guests, I hope?”

“During this season? It’s, like, one couple or family per week that usually comes by, so I’m not working myself into bankruptcy because of you.” Hide leaned over the table to grab a stack of something, already grinning from ear to ear before he showed Kaneki. “Here. Some are from families who come here every year, or people who’ve been here once but had such a jolly time that they thought it was worth it to send me something.” 

They were all postcards. Some had pictures taped to the back or sticker of various colours. So many people from so many places. “This one’s in Japanese,” Kaneki noted when he saw the neat kanji on the back of a postcard with a sheep on it. 

“Oh, that’s from Mimi. She came all the way from Canada and knew some Japanese. She sends me emails sometimes to practice a little.”

The fondness on Hide’s face when he was looking at the card- it made Kaneki’s heart leap. Having been dead for some time hadn’t knocked him down at all. 

“She must have really liked you.”

Hide leaned forward over the table, eyes twinkling. “Are you worried you’re not the only one who gets to enjoy my charm?”

“Oh, shut up.” But when Kaneki scanned the other cards, his stomach still churned. Hide was making so many people happy here. He still remembered reading the message he had gotten from Hide, already long gone, and thinking that this would be a sort of vacation-like trip. Now he was starting to accept that might never be the case. 

It got darker, and at some point Hide stopped his rambling about the sheep and the ocean and said he was about to make food for himself. “Are you joining me?” he asked when Kaneki got up from his seat. 

“I have to unpack first but I’ll be quick.” 

It was terrifying to see Hide’s shoulders sag in relief. Kaneki had still to convince him that he wasn’t leaving. Never again. 

He stopped on the steps where he could still see Hide working in the kitchen. His chest felt heavy like it did between the sheep on his way here. Kaneki pressed his lips together. 

“Hide. How are you?”

_ For real,  _ he thought, but then he noticed Hide’s face being so, so sad and he didn’t dare to add it anymore. Hide seemed struck by the question, and Kaneki tried to hold his own. In all those years, they hadn’t really talked about it.  _ And this is what you get from that.  _

“Just doing fine, I guess.” Hide smiled with all the scars that still looked uncomfortable as they stretched. Kaneki felt sick

He nodded. “Okay. See you in a minute.”

As Hide waved him off and went back to the stove, Kaneki could only think one thing. 

_ Liar.  _


	2. The Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 - The Moon

It was around midnight, second night in, when Kaneki woke up without a reason to. There was no need to go to the toilet, and he was still in a comfortable position in his bed. 

Only, it was fucking freezing. The moonlight had made its way into his room, even through the drawn curtains. The clouds must have cleared during the night and now there was no warmth left. 

Kaneki drew the covers up to his nose and pressed his knees to his chest to preserve the warmth he still had. Ten minutes of failing to fall asleep and he started to regret not accepting that extra quilt from Hide. 

Then he heard a sound, just outside of his window. Kaneki stayed silent, holding his breath to listen if there was more.  _ It could be the sheep,  _ he thought when his eyes wouldn’t close and his heart wouldn’t calm down. There was nothing for sometime, but then it started again: footsteps on the gravel of the terrain and Kaneki couldn’t find his rest anymore. There was someone on Hide’s terrain. 

Kaneki forgot about the option to look through the curtains. Instead, he picked up some socks and a sweater from the closet, tiptoed down the stairs, and put on the first shoes he could find. Outside of the front door and on the wrong side of the building, Kaneki shivered and cursed that he had to walk outside and around the whole house to maybe find the source of the sound. 

With his arms cramped up and around his chest, Kaneki was about to run back to the door. It wasn’t windy, but the stars and moon were glaring upon him from the sky. He had nothing to protect him from the cold but his extra layer of sweatshirt. 

Hide stood with his back to Kaneki, a couple of yards away from the window. He wasn’t moving at all, which Kaneki squinted his eyes at. Was he looking at something?

Kaneki was just about to ask Hide if he had heard the thing too, when Hide turned around and noticed him, startled. “You sneaky- You fucking scared me.” 

There was nothing that he could do but shrug. Hide welcomed him next to him to stare at nothing in particular. There was nothing in front of them but rocks and the sea. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” Hide asked. He had his hands deep in the pockets of his coat, his cheeks red from the cold. 

“I heard something.”

“And you immediately ran outside?” 

Kaneki self-consciously pulled his sweater lower. “I was curious. Didn’t you hear something?” 

“Something like what?”

“I thought I heard someone walking outside-” And Hide laughed at him, bumping into him with his shoulder. “But now I think that I’ve already found the trespasser.” 

“You’ve caught me.” 

Kaneki’s smile was shaky, but his shoulders untensed. “You do this every night?” 

Hide vaguely gestured at the sky. “Only when the moon is out. It’s one of the many things here that keep their magic, even after some time. The buildings in Tokyo? Boring. But the moon and the stars and the ocean without the light pollution? Like we’ve jumped down the rabbithole with Alice, right?”

It was indeed hallucinating, the scenery. Kaneki felt like he would break his back if he tilted anymore to the sky. “Is that the reason why you left?”

He caught himself and Hide of guard with that question. He had blurted it out, and it wasn’t meant to be asked, but Kaneki now realised how much he had wanted to ask.  _ Why did you leave me? _

“Wouldn’t anyone? I’d gone years ago for that reason only.”

“Yet you didn’t.” He was struggling too much to cover his hands with his sleeves that Hide took pity on him. Kaneki bowed by the sudden weight of Hide’s coat on his shoulders. “You should know better than to give away the stuff you actually need,” he said while he squeezed his arms into the warm sleeves. 

“You should’ve seen yourself and then you’d have done exactly the same. My skin’s grown thick anyway.”

Hide didn’t know how much Kaneki felt graced by his company. For him, the whole island was just Hide and that was just enough. Maybe because of that, the whole thing looked even a little more wondrous. 

“I love the way you look.” Kaneki stumbled over his own feet, but didn’t fall face-flat to the ground as Hide kept him upright. “How have you ever survived on your own?”

It was a moment, and Kaneki stepped away from Hide. “I never did.” 

“But you did.” Hide smiled at his confusion. “I wanted to say that the way you look at the sky, it’s very amusing. I want to see you look at something else, though.”

The snort came out of him before he thought about what Hide had just said. “Is that your style of pick-up lines?”

Hide threw his head back, and laughed. “Ha, no, but it would’ve been pretty good if it was. It wasn’t what I meant, so shut your mouth and just follow me.”

“In some places, this is considered as kidnapping,” Kaneki mumbled, but he did what Hide had told him to. 

They left the terrain, which Kaneki hadn’t done since he arrived. Walking land inwards, and the wind subsided. On their way through the grass fields and over the mudpath, Kaneki had to stop them to tie his shoes. Hide held him steady on the uneven ground, and helped him stand up. “I haven’t said it yet, but you’ve been treating me like a child.”

It was in the middle in the night, and here was Hide skipping next to him. “And you deserve nothing less.” Then, he flicked Kaneki’s nipped nose and ran away from him, up to the top of the hill. 

“This isn’t a race!” Kaneki found himself almost on the ground again when tripping over loose rocks. Higher up, the wind was blowing, and Kaneki was fighting against it while Hide seemed to feel nothing of it. 

He was out of breath when he got to the top. Hide had already spread himself out on the grass, waiting for Kaneki to do the same. It was cold and wet on the ground, and Kaneki worried about ruining Hide’s coat, but then he looked at the sky. 

The milky way was visible from here, and if Kaneki didn’t know any better he would’ve expected to see the Northern light next. It was breathtaking. “But it gets better,” Hide grinned. “Come here.” And Kaneki let himself be helped up and turned sideways. 

His eyes widened at the landscape before them. Everything beneath them seemed like it was meant to be that way: the hills flowed as wind moved the grass, like they wanted to be the ocean. He had seen the ocean numerous times by now, but this was different in a way Kaneki couldn’t describe it. From up here, it felt like he saw the greatness of the water for the first time. 

“I understand why you do this.”

“Only just now?”

“Leave me be. The cold’s still a huge damper on this whole place.”

He heard the grass move under Hide’s weight. Turning to him, Kaneki caught his eye. “It’s not always gonna be cold here, you know. Winters are bad, but spring is beautiful and summers are not too hot.”

“You’re forgetting about autumn.” 

“You said you didn’t like the cold, so I left that part out.”

“Tell me about it.”

Hide’s cheeks had grown red from the wind; so he wasn’t absolutely immune to the weather. His pullover was bullowing, but he kept his place and he wasn’t shaking. Kaneki had a hard time accepting it, but Hide didn’t belong to the concrete of Tokyo anymore. 

“Let’s get inside first, then.” Kaneki’s face was cupped by two warm hands, and his cheeks became even redder than Hide’s. “You’re fucking freezing.”

Kaneki swat the hands away, turning once again to the landscape under them. “I already was before I found you sneaking around on the terrain.”

“You’ll get used to it.”

The wind stopped for a moment, and Hide started walking before Kaneki could even comprehend what Hide was actually asking of him. He didn’t dare to ask Hide, because it felt wrong to ruin this place with whatever they were going to say after he would ask. 

Even after they had closed the door behind them, back to the warmth and thick quilts, Kaneki didn’t say a word and let Hide talk about autumn, and the spring and summer, until the sun started to rise.


	3. Sea of Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it were a fishing activity as it was supposed to be, then there would have been nothing to write about.

Hide said that with the day being bright, it was a great day for fishing. “It’s not really fishing. We’ll be close to the shore with fishing nets, which is only good for shrimps,” Hide told him while he checked on Kaneki’s layers of clothing. He gave him a pair of rubber boots. “We’ll be in the water, of course.”

Kaneki sat down at the table to put them on. They were big, and would be loose to his feet once they started walking. First the walk up the hill in the middle of the night and now this: it was like Hide wanted to challenge him in every way possible. 

“Being in the water with this temperature, though?” 

Hide looked up from where he was sitting, his eyes squinted by how smug he was trying to look. “It’s an experience of a lifetime, Ken! How can you let a little cold ruin that for you?”

“Can’t I just sit somewhere on the shore? I’d rather watch you picking up shrimps.” But he had his boots on already, and then Hide threw a coat to him. There was no way he was talking himself out of this. 

“Try it, and then I let you complain about it. Maybe.” Hide zipped his coat up to his chin, the fabric grazing his uneven skin. It wasn’t as often as he had expected, but Kaneki’s gaze still got stuck to Hide’s face sometimes. Hide knew this too. “What’re you staring at?”

Shaking his head, Kaneki pushed his pants into the boots. “Nothing, just thought about how you’re all grown up now.” He was quick to open the door, so quick that he beat Hide to it, who walked after him with his mouth agape. 

“You think I’ve become old?! And close your coat for once!”

“Grown up and being old isn’t the same, Hide.” His zipper reached his nose without his own doing. Hide’s hands were still on his collar, and pulled it up for a good measure. “Maybe I’ll take my words back. You  _ are  _ acting like an old person.”

“Shh, this is me taking care of you.” Then, pointing at the small shed, Hide bulked “Let us go to the nets!”

The shed smelled of mold and seasalt and the nets were found under a pile of other stuff. “I swear, this spring I’ll clean this up,” Hide murmured after cursing a couple of times. There was a lot dumped into this small space, like loose rotten planks and different kinds of flashlights, but Kaneki’s eyes stayed at the sacks of fertilizer.

“I didn’t know you’re into gardening.”

Hide shoved another plank away to reach for the nets, then saw the sacks. “I am, kind of. It’s another thing that I’ve been wanting to try out but never got to. So, maybe later next year I’ll put myself to it. Here,” and Hide gave him one of the nets. 

“Where would you even grow anything?” Kaneki looked around the whole terrain as they walked outside, but couldn’t find any yard. 

“I’ll have to borrow space from someone in town. Here it’s way too rocky.” Hide proved his point by stomping on the ground. “See? Way too much to think about before I can get to the actual gardening part. Hence the stuff still being in the shed.”

They went down the path leading to a small patch of shore. Hide had bragged about it being his private beach, that he would only show his most special guests this ‘Wonder of the World’. “You should put up a Private property sign somewhere, then,” Kaneki mused, quirking up his eyebrow. 

“You know, I’ll take you up on that.”

The waves weren’t big and left plenty of space left to keep themselves dry on the shore. “Well, come on,” Hide said with a little push in Kaneki’s back, and together they walked into the water. 

“I should’ve brought gloves!” Kaneki quivered as the first splash touched his hands. “What am I even supposed to do?” 

“Gloves become wet and useless, so no, you shouldn’t have.” Hide held his net toward the far ocean. “There is a sandbank from here all up to there. We’ll walk all the way until the end and keep the nets down like this. Scrape the ground with it all you want.” His hands lead Kaneki’s over the shaft and adjusted his grip. “Now we can go.”

Kaneki followed Hide’s steps as they wandered through the water. He had said it so many times, but it was cold: he worried more about his socks getting soaked than the net being in the right position. One drop into his boots and he would be running back. 

“It doesn’t matter if you’re catching nothing,” Hide quipped, slowing down so they were walking beside each other. “Remember, it’s all about the Fun.” 

“Is this really about the fun, though? It feels more like the fun part in this is pestering  _ me _ , which makes it only fun for  _ you. _ ”

“You’re saying you’re not having fun? I can make it fun.” 

Kaneki was given a second to prepare for a kind shove and his net being taken away from him. He lost his balance but caught himself before falling. Hide was already leaps away from him, further into the ocean. Again.

“Is this supposed to be fun? Am I supposed to chase you now?” Kaneki’s shoulders fell and he sighed as Hide didn’t stop. “God.”

So he ran and chased after Hide for the second time this week. And he would never admit it, but as he got water in his boots and the air cut in his face and his ears began to hurt, Kaneki was starting to have fun. He was much faster than Hide, who was turning back to the shore. 

“I’m taking back what I said! You’ve not grown up at all!” Kaneki panted as he grabbed for Hide. He had him almost by his sleeve, but then Hide swirled around and kicked. The water felt painful against his face, and Kaneki shivered. “You  _ fucker _ .”

“The kids, Ken! Think about the kids.” And Hide kicked again, sending a whole wave to Kaneki. This time he was ready, sending himself through the water and taking both of Hide’s wrists. 

“The only kid here that I should be worrying about is you.” The cold air stung his lungs, but all Kaneki could do was to look smug at the man in front of him. There was sweat building up above Hide’s eyebrow, and his chest was heaving up, his cheeks red. “Are you alright or do you need to sit down?”

Hide pulled himself free. “Now you’re just making fun of me.”

“Try to think of it as revenge.” And with that, Kaneki bent down with his hands in the water to start his attack. 

They ran around each other, tripping and shivering just so they could splash the other. The nets were forgotten, already lying on the shore where the waves had pushed them to. Gloves would indeed have been useless, as they were both soaked to the bone by now. Hide’s hair was plastered to his face, drops dripping off his nose and chin. 

He took hold of Hide again, pulling him to himself by a hand behind his neck. And he kissed him. 

Hide’s mouth opened against his with a gasp, but then he nipped at Kaneki’s upper lip, and all was well. 

Kaneki was in a flurry of panic, because when Hide’s arms wrapped themselves around his back and he was breathing loudly, just to get some air, it all felt like too much. But with the wet feet, sand in his mouth and everything tasting like salt, Kaneki hadn’t wanted it any other way. He started blushing in the middle of it, with Hide pushing so close that his wet hair touched Kaneki’s skin, that he was being such a sap about it. 

His lips grazed Hide’s one more time, because he wanted to look at him. He still had his eyes closed, like he was savoring something. He was wonderful. 

Then, with a breath and a smile, Hide said “We could be like this every day. Why aren’t we like this every day?”

Kaneki’s hands tensed slightly at Hide’s nape. “Because you’re  _ here _ .” 

He could feel him think, working his brain over this. “Stay, then,” Hide said at last. 

He was too quick to pull away, but Kaneki needed to. Taking in Hide from his wet hair to his rubber boots, it was suddenly very impossible to find something positive in him. 

“I can’t.”

“But why?” There was no way that Kaneki could take it if Hide would flip now, so he turned around and didn’t answer him. The nets still were at the shore, and he should better go get them before they were gone. 

There was also no way Hide would leave it be. He followed him with loud splashes. “You’ve been loving this, right? What else is there to live for?” 

“There’s Tokyo, Hide. And the others!” Only when Kaneki had made his way onto the sand, he felt how much water he had been lugging along in his boots, so he pulled them off with force. The soggy sand felt dirty and ice cold to his feet. 

Hide’s presence and his warmth were for once unwelcome. He kept his distance from where Kaneki was emptying his boots, but he was able to stay under his skin anyway. “Then what were you expecting from all of this?” He spoke like he himself was clueless at this point. 

So Kaneki turned around, and then he noticed something with a shock. Everything about Hide now, his soaked hair and his scars and the mature look he had in his eyes, they had never really talked about it. 

“I don’t know,” Kaneki told him in all honesty. “Maybe I wanted you to miss me.”

“I’m already missing you. There’s not a day that I don’t miss you.” Hide stepped closer, and Kaneki didn’t move away. 

“Then why did you leave me?” It came out harsher than it should have, but it was exactly what he had wanted to ask for years. “You don’t have to stay here. You can even come back with me.”

Before his eyes, Kaneki saw Hide lose all his tension: he was going numb. “I could have known that’s why you came here. I could’ve  _ fucking known _ .” Then he laughed, dragging his palm over his face. “All this time, you made me think you came here for me, but- is this another recruitment mission you’re on? I probably haven’t gotten through your thick head that I don’t like that place and that place fucking hates me.”

“You’re not hated, Hide.” Kaneki followed Hide on his socks. “You’re loved, and everyone wants you back.  _ I  _ want you back,” he added, only to see if Hide felt the same. 

Hide stopped so abruptly that Kaneki almost bumped into him. “But I’m not needed, so no one really cares where I am, Ken. There-” Hide pointed at something far away. “I’m useless there. And I’d rather not wake up to that realisation every single day.” 

Kaneki was so startled by how hurt Hide had looked at him, like he was telling him that he would never understand, that it took a moment before he reacted to Hide’s back. 

“So you’re just walking away from it?!”

“Oh, and if that isn’t exactly what you’re doing now.” 

For a second, Kaneki looked at him. He just looked at him, trying to find the punch-line of this joke. He had been hard, but Hide was worse. Under his cold gaze, Kaneki crumbled.

“Come on, don’t act like you don’t know,” Hide continued. “Not for once have you considered coming to visit me, but suddenly you are here. What was it, Ken? What let you realise you’re not needed anymore?” 

If Hide were standing any closer, Kaneki would have punched him. He would have hit him several times, until he would have beaten him to the ground. 

“You can’t say that,” Kaneki croaked out. 

Hide quirked up his eyebrows. “It doesn’t change reality, whether I say it or not. You had no tasks left on your hands, did you? I’d have loved to see that. You realising that everyone was fairing fine without you.”

“That’s not true!”

“And  _ still.  _ You’re still denying it!” Hide looked crazed, like he was thinking of throwing a punch first. “Maybe this will help you. From the moment I left that forsaken place, it was over! You’re just acting like it’s not and that the world will stop without you! Well, look around. The world is still spinning, and you’re here. Get it in your head that you’re not needed!”

At that moment, Kaneki wished he was not there. He then realised that he didn’t want to be anywhere. The place he had called home for most of his life had totally soured by now, and this, here, was never going to be something to him. 

“It’s not a bad thing, Ken.” Kaneki looked up with all his might without breaking down immediately. Hide’s eyes had turned soft. “To be lonely.”

But Kaneki felt so ashamed for feeling that. He didn’t know how to explain it, and he didn’t want to explain it to a shivering Hide now. 

So he walked past him, up the hill and away from the beach. 

“Where are you going?” He heard Hide ask him. 

Kaneki didn’t know that. There wasn’t anywhere he desperately wanted to go to. So, he said “Somewhere that’s not here,” and then left Hide behind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me looping that scene from Little Women where Timothee screams at Saoirse that he loves her while writing this chapter.
> 
> Thank you for reading and sending me love in the comment section! They truly all make my heart stutter :)
> 
> ~N


	4. The Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a little hurt comes healing.

Not wanting to be anywhere had brought Kaneki back to the small haven, where he had almost convinced himself to wait for the next ferry and hop right on. Only was he not wearing any shoes and he had no money on him to pay for a ticket. 

The sky had grown dark when the lighthouse came into Kaneki’s view again. Hadn’t they just come out of some sort of incident, then he would have admitted to Hide that the cold hadn’t bothered him at all on the walk. It reminded him of all the times in these couple of days when Hide had cried over his lack of admiration for the island. And of course he was right, because Kaneki had actually succeeded to forget about everything as he was walking. Then came the haven, which was disappointing because he would have gladly continued walking through endless heaps of hay. 

He got to enjoy the stars again as well. They would be an excuse for why he had been gone for so long, if Hide ever were to ask him. 

The lights were on, but when Kaneki stepped inside he couldn’t find any sign of Hide. On the table lay a small post-it note. Hastily written words said: 

_ Out until morning. Please use the fireplace, but b sure to put it out when going to bed. _

_ x Hide _

Kaneki gazed around the room, hoping a little that Hide would jump from behind the furniture. The room felt eerily empty without the other. 

It was early in the evening, and Kaneki was lost at what to do. The previous nights were spent beside Hide cooking for himself, then talking with Hide while he was eating, then playing that confusing card game Hide tried to get him to like. Kaneki still didn’t get it, and he still didn’t quite like it, but now that his bed was the only thing welcoming him for the night, he would have given the world to play that stupid game. 

Kaneki started to clean up the kitchen. Loose dishes went into the sink, then were washed and dried, and, after some hesitation, even got placed in the cupboards. He loitered around until he felt that even the kitchen was getting tired of him. 

He dared to look at the clock hanging on the wall: it was seven. Fidgety and clammy from his wet clothes, Kaneki was in no mood to go to bed. So it was the bathroom he would be annoying next. 

The hallway was dark, but warmth hit him when he walked up the stairs. Hide had turned on the heating for him before leaving. 

A lump formed in his throat as he showered. The rooms Kaneki had come to know in a couple of days felt so lonesome. The messily painted window sill couldn’t even comfort him now. 

_ I can’t sleep here,  _ Kaneki thought as he stood in the middle of the hallway, dressed in his pyjamas. He would be pacing all night, listening for Hide to come back. 

He hadn’t touched the fireplace before heading upstairs, so now it felt like all life had left the rooms downstairs after warming up. Glancing up shortly, Kaneki didn’t know what he wanted to do. Going outside again to look for Hide seemed even worse than going to sleep. He strongly advised himself against that. Imagine actually having to face Hide. 

Beside the small kitchen, there was a narrow hallway painted in the same blue as the bathroom upstairs. It led to Hide’s own space: a bedroom and bathroom, and even his own study for ‘the bureaucratic stuff’. Hide had been so proud to show Kaneki on the first day. 

He hadn’t set a foot into that hallway since that day. It wasn’t that Hide had forbidden him to go in, because from day one Hide had shrieked about slumber parties in his room. That hadn’t happened yet. 

Hand on the wall of the hallway, Kaneki unconsciously made a decision. He turned off all the lights downstairs, and wandered down the hallway. The door to Hide’s room stood ajar, and Kaneki took it as a welcome. 

First, he couldn’t take a step further as everything that Hide was almost knocked him out in one blow. He hadn’t bothered with the lights, but the shadows on the ground in the corner were enough to make out Hide’s clothes fallen off the chair where they had originally been piled up. The chair was almost invisible under the heap. He took a sweater that had fallen onto the ground and pulled it over his head. There were frames and loose pictures stuck to the wall with no sense of composition. If Kaneki ever were to have the energy and balls, he would take a closer look. 

And then there was the strong scent of Hide that came from everything, like Kaneki was crawling into Hide’s skin. 

The bed under the window was small, a little bit bigger than a twin bed. It had a bunch of quilts lying on top of it, all twisted as if they weren’t touched after a full night’s sleep. Kaneki could still hear Hide’s father complaining about it every day he was there.

Slowly, he lifted up the quilts and sat on the edge of the bed. The bundle of cloth lay in his lap, and if he imagined hard enough, Kaneki could convince himself that the quilts were still warm from Hide sleeping under them. 

The mattress was soft against his body. He didn’t loosen the quilts or cover himself with them when he lay down. With thick socks and that sweater, it was warm enough. Instead, he held the bundle against him, so close until he couldn’t see the room anymore. Drowning into Hide’s pillow, Kaneki lay so still that he wasn’t even sure himself if he was still breathing. 

He was, apparently, because he didn’t die in his sleep. A light squeeze of his shoulder woke Kaneki up. Confused because it was still dark and as he wasn’t certain where he was, he grabbed around himself, only to clash his hand into Hide. 

“Wow, hey, calm down. It’s just me.” Hide came into view, his expression tired and his voice quiet. He hadn’t slept at all in the last hours. 

“I wanted to check on you, but you can go back to sleep now if you want to. I’ll be gone in a sec.” His hand still lingered on Kaneki’s shoulder, but it was clear that he was trying to take it away. 

Before Hide could do that, Kaneki shook his head. He scooted up to the wall to make room for Hide, or at least indicate that there was a place for him. This was because he couldn’t get it over his lips to ask him to stay. 

Hide seemed unsure about what to do, and it pained Kaneki just a little. There once was a world where Hide would have understood him immediately. Now, he was eyeing the spot next to Kaneki, asking in the same way Kaneki was doing. What a way to take one’s revenge. He looked at Kaneki one more time, and sighed “Alright.”

Hide wasn’t feeling comfortable, and he was not afraid to show it. His body was rigid and turned at an unnatural angle to not touch Kaneki anywhere. With some annoyance, Kaneki was reminded of how they had been this afternoon, not shy at all. 

“You’re supposed to say something now,” Hide whispered, not really looking at him. “Then I can say something back, and then maybe I’ll apologize, and we can grant each other some hours of sleep.”

Kaneki snorted, despite the situation. “Now you’ve ruined it for me. I practiced the start of this conversation for hours.” He let his head hit the wall softly, his stomach still churning. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“I said stuff I shouldn’t have said, Ken. An apology seems to be proper-”

“But it was true,” Kaneki snapped. It was enough to make Hide finally meet his eyes. And how scared he felt because of it. “Whether you said it or let it be, it won’t change reality. That’s what you said, right?” 

“If I had known you’d use my own words against me, I’d have given up speaking a long time ago. You’re using them way better than I did, anyway.” 

Hide slumped his way. Not against him, but it made him smile all the same. “If I really knew how to use it, then that would mean that I finally got it.” It was still hard to say it out loud, but he told himself that after years of denial, he really needed to grow up. “Like you said, I already knew. Of course I knew, but when have I ever accepted anything in my life?” He choked up, because it felt like a liberation to tell Hide this: “I can’t even completely accept what I’ve become, and now I’m not a king anymore? What’s up with that?”

He immediately fell into Hide’s arms when he was offered them. In the back of his mind, Kaneki felt embarrassed: he, a grown man, was crying in his best friend’s arms. But he had never felt so fitting, and he wasn’t going to sabotage himself and take this security away. 

“I never meant to say that you’re not needed. I’m so sorry for that,” Hide said. His cheek lay on Kaneki’s hair, like he was cheering Kaneki on to get into his skin. “If we didn’t need you, we would never have put so much effort in keeping you alive. The world keeps turning without you ordering it to do so, but if you weren’t here anymore, our world would stop for a moment.

“We want you in our lives, and sometimes I get mad because of how much I want you in my life.”

Kaneki hoped Hide wasn’t expecting him to do something with that. He wasn’t ready at all to take that in, as his heart felt like bursting and his face grew so hot that he was afraid that he would have a stroke. Fortunately for him, Hide didn’t move away or ask him anything. 

They found their place on the bed, and Hide did untwist the quilts so they could hide themselves under them. It was too early for the sun to come up, so there was enough time to catch their sleep. With arms entangled, but in a way that they weren’t sure what was appropriate, they lay next to each other. 

“I sometimes get mad too. At myself,” Kaneki said at last, when he was sure that Hide’s eyes were closed. “That I thought I could ever accept you going away.”

Hide huffed a laugh, and pulled Kaneki closer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't pre-written anything beyond this point, so we shall see how far I can come. I'll definitely finish this story, but I don't know if it will be this week.
> 
> Thank you for the support :))


	5. Jabberwocky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the holidays are approaching, Hide and Kaneki discuss cards and birthdays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course I know I'm about two weeks too late with this, but I had sworn I'd finish this one, so here you go.
> 
> Enjoy!

Breakfast was less of a thrill than Kaneki had expected. Not hoped for, but expected, because he would never dare to wish for something that would inevitably lead him to his death. 

So Kaneki grabbed the cards again that still lay on the table when Hide kept looking from under his eyebrows when he was eating. There were kitschy ones from the touristy cities, but also handmade cards and holiday cards. That reminded him of something. 

“It’s almost Christmas,” he said, and Hide cackled. “What’s so funny about that?”

“You remembering a holiday that we don’t even celebrate instead of your own damn birthday, dummy. That’s what’s funny.”

A blush krept up his face. “I- Well sorry that I tend to forget sometimes.”

There was clinging of cutlery against dishes. Hide leaned his head on his palms. “Maybe that’s why you came here, just so I could remind you that you’re getting older.”

“You know that isn’t true.” Kaneki scoffed, slightly mournful when he thought of yesterday. He had said exactly the same. “I’m not even sure what age I’m getting to.”

“I think I became 26 this year, so it’s a 26 for you as well.” It was said with a wink. Hide had done the same a couple of years back, when he was still walking the streets of Tokyo. 

Kaneki thought about it. 26 should be so young still, but he felt like he was 50. Wasn’t he technically retired already?

“If I had known that you’d be so sad about it, I’d told you it was gonna be 24 this year.” 

“It’s not about that.” Kaneki’s gaze followed Hide to the kitchen. “I’m not sad about becoming older. I’m confused that I’m not feeling like I’d always thought I would feel at this age.”

Hide turned away from the sink to look at Kaneki with fond eyes. “I get what you’re saying. We’re feeling way too old than we’re supposed to feel.”

Kaneki couldn’t do anything else other than agree. He remembered that he used to feel too young most of his life, but sometimes the world paused enough, which had happened more often in recent years, for him to realise that he was aging faster than he had ever intended to. He should still be figuring out life, and yet it felt like his life was at its end. 

“Are you fine with going into town for a little while? I need to speak with some folks, and I haven’t really shown you around there, so...” 

He smiled at Hide’s uncertainty. “Yeah, of course. I’ll put on my shoes and we can go.”

“Ha, wait, old man! You should take it easy at your age.” 

Kaneki stood up, being quicker than needed when he took his shoes from their place. “Is this going to be your one joke now? Because I swear that-”

“Oh, but I’m not kidding. Please, let me help you with that.”

“Hide, be serious.”

“Don’t fret it, you’ll give yourself a heart attack!”

Hide was very close all of a sudden. Fighting Kaneki for his shoes, he took his arms with excitement that he was pulling Kaneki against him. He even looked bewildered by his own actions, pausing to see if Kaneki had any clue about all this. Then, he let go and gave Kaneki the space to tie his own shoes. 

“But I guess now that you’re almost 26, you’re mature enough to do it on your own.”

Kaneki had wanted to ask what the hell that was all about, even when they were making their way to town, but like all the other questions he ever had, he would brood on this one for a couple of more years as well. Hide wasn’t keen on talking now, or didn’t seem to be. He kept a generous distance between them while they were walking up and down the hills. So Kaneki bit his tongue and stayed brooding. 

They approached a building that stood alone just a little further into the fields. The fence built around it was low enough to see a small playground splayed over the grassy field. With curiosity, Kaneki followed Hide down the path. 

A woman stood at the front door, fidgeting with her stuff and covering herself with her coat. She was quick to turn around when she heard their footsteps, and a huge grin formed onto her face. “ _ And I thought I’d have to come fetch you myself! _ ” Kaneki looked beside him to see what Hide thought of this, but he was too late: Hide had already leapt to the woman, leaving Kaneki behind to stand in the middle of the pathway. 

When the two started talking, Kaneki noted with slight shame that it wasn’t on that man in the harbour that he couldn’t properly understand him: he himself couldn’t understand the language at all. Listening to Hide and the woman babbling at such a fast pace made him dizzy as he tried to pick up anything he could recognize. He only recognized his name once, but this was together with Hide pointing back at him. It shouldn’t have been, but this felt like complete humiliation. 

She took out her phone and Hide told her something, which she swiftly typed into her phone. They laughed about something, and before Kaneki knew it, they were walking his way. “C’mon, we’re going.” Hide’s breath in his ear startled him for a bit, making him stumble into movement. 

They would be going in opposite directions, or that’s what Kaneki got from her and Hide exchanging their last words. Then, she gave Kaneki a small smile and waved. He felt his face flare up. 

She laughed again and said something to Hide with a wink, then left. 

“What did she say?” Kaneki blurted out when they started walking again. 

“‘Isn’t he an adorable one?’” It was said with a touch of drama, and Hide grinned at him. “And, you know? I can’t help but agree.”

“What was this about, anyway?” Hide laughed at his slight annoyance. And he knew he sounded grumpy, but it was just that… Hide. 

“That was Annie. She does the whole elementary education on this island.” And with pride in his smile, Hide added: “I’m gonna be a teacher.”

Working his mind over everything Hide had ever told him, Kaneki couldn’t remember anything that came even close to having an ambition to teach. So he was shocked. “Teacher? Where did that come from?” He asked, then cringed from his own tone. “I mean- I just didn’t know you ever had a wish to become a...”

“A teacher? Yeah, who would’ve thought?” Hide’s eyes were twinkling as he bumped his shoulder into Kaneki’s. “Akihito-sensei from sixth grade definitely wouldn’t.”

“She would have cried if you had told her.” Images of their old teacher flooding his mind made him rethink that. “You know, she is probably already crying over the fact that I didn’t become her next accountant.” 

“Ah, I remember! You were such a number-nerd and she complained more than she should ever have done with a twelve year-old. Did you ever see her again after that?” 

“Are you trying to insinuate that she tried to meet up with me?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me at all, to be honest.”

Kaneki gaped at that. “I was twelve, Hide! That’s illegal!”

“Hey, I don’t know. Maybe she waited until you’re not a minor anymore and became all handsome.” Hide wiggled his eyebrows for a good amount, at which he grumbled about shutting up. 

“Anyway, I wanted to say that I’m proud. Of you.”

“Are you trying to change the subject again?”

Kaneki gave him an unimpressed look. “I’d rather not talk about our grade six teacher, and be  _ serious _ . You should be proud of yourself for what you’re doing. Not everyone has it in them to be a teacher.”

It seemed to shut Hide up for a moment, as he pursed his lips and looked thoughtful. Maybe Kaneki had finally gotten through to him. But then he chuckled softly, and said, “It’s not a big deal. I’m not gonna do it full-time.”

“Even as a part-timer,” Kaneki defended. He sped up to stand in front of Hide. “You should never talk yourself down like that. As if it isn’t hard enough to be a host for all kinds of people, you’re taking up teaching as well?”

“They’re all very nice people, mind you.” Hide sounded sulky, but he seemed to realise how ridiculous he was being. So Kaneki gave him a smile, as he couldn’t find it in himself to touch Hide’s face. 

“Doesn’t matter. You’re taking care of people, and that’s all that matters. If there were only more people like you on this Earth.” He felt himself beam at the redness on Hide’s cheeks. “Should we now go to the store, and leave this be?”

Hide glanced at him very quickly, but Kaneki could still pick up the small grin. “Yes please,” he pleaded with a tiny voice. 

Later, when they were walking back with a bag full of postage stamps, the wind was rising and they had to press the bags to their chests to prevent them from flying away. 

“How many cards are you planning to send?” Kaneki worried about letting some of the stampstrips slip out of the begs and having to go back out of necessity. Fortunately, they were almost back home. 

“You shall see,” was Hide’s only answer, and he didn’t elaborate until the door had closed behind them and the bags were put on the table. Coffee was made and shoelaces came undone. “It’s going to be the whole pile here, plus some friends that don’t see the romance in sending me cards,” Hide said when Kaneki was hanging up their coats. 

“The whole pile?!” He checked it once again, and indeed: the bunch of cards that Hide was trying to hold in one hand was as overwhelming as the first time Kaneki had seen it. “You do that every year?”

“You get a card from me every year, right? So you must know the answer to that.”

Kaneki pouted. “I always thought you thought it was necessary, with my birthday being so close to Christmas and all that.”

“That’s why you always get the double special card!” Hide looked at him with an apologetic smile. “I can’t send you one this year, though. I hope you won’t be too disappointed about that.”

He thought deeply as he sat down. It was the 18th today, which meant his birthday and Christmas were closer than anticipated. It hadn’t even come up in his mind when he was booking the plane tickets, and so it startled him now. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to impose on you during the holiday-”

“How many times have you actually seen me celebrate Christmas?” Hide spread the cards over the table, and sorted them out. “I don’t care about it, so you’re not imposing.”

“But you love it,” Kaneki protested. “Look at how much effort you’re putting in writing everyone for Christmas.”

“Not imposing.” Hide’s tone was clear enough to make him hold his tongue. “It’s an excuse for me to stay in touch and waste my money on cool stickers for decoration. I don’t ever do anything during Christmas, so it’s kind of a blessing to have you here during these times.” His eyes were down, so Kaneki could only get a vague idea of what his friend meant with that. Hide was also not having it, interrupting his thoughts quickly. “Let’s do the cards, alright? You can help me write them.”

Kaneki bit his lip as he picked up the pile of blank cards that Hide had pushed his way. “I can’t… uh, I can’t write in English.”

With one glance on the cards in Kaneki’s hand, Hide took three away from him. “It’s fine, you can write to our friends in Japan.” He threw him three sharpies of different colours. “Write one for Mimi too, and make it extra difficult.” He was still smirking as he started on his own cards. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever for?” Hide asked without lifting his head up. 

“That I can’t be of any help for you, and that I keep taking up your time without giving you anything back for it. And now that I think of it, I never did the dishes except for yesterday night.”

“Hey, there’s no reason to cry over that.” Hide soothed him as he was this close to sobbing. His hand hesitated on the middle of the table, but then moved to Kaneki’s, taking and cradling it. “You being you is all we need right now.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Kaneki gasped.

“But I do, otherwise I would have kicked you out the second you arrived in front of my door. So, go write some poetic lines on those cards.” And he petted his hand before returning to his own cards. 

They stayed silent as Kaneki finished the generic text on Mimi’s card and Hide speed-wrote himself through seven of them. “Who’s the rest for?” He hadn’t really dared to ask, because he knew for sure that Hide would look at him ridiculously because he was ought to know. If they were friends from Tokyo, then they were their shared friends. 

But of course, Hide didn’t judge. “I already did the one for Pops and Dad, but you can still write one yourself if you want to,” was the only thing Hide said before he started counting on his fingers. “I send one to the whole workgroup each year, which is basically only Marude who gets to see it and then hides it in his drawer for safe-keeping. Take told me that. Then there’s one for your kids- write that one with Saiko’s name first, though, and Suzuya’s squad. I also write to the Nishiki family, of course, Tsukiyama, Hinami and Ayato, Touka...” 

Kaneki was being scrutinized under Hide’s look, and he almost broke into a sweat because of trying so hard not to break as Hide was picking him apart, waiting for a reaction. The twitch in his lips was enough.

“Come on, Ken. You can write something. I believe in you.”

“The only thing I could write is extremely pathetic and not deemed to bring holiday spirits.” 

As this was a prime example of him being a menace, as Hide felt the need to lay down his pens and stickers. He held his head in his hands, his eyes gentle. “How are you two doing?”

So Hide knew exactly what he was talking about. Touka didn’t even know, not from him at least, that he had gone off to the other side of the world. He hadn’t found it necessary to tell her, like it was with most things these days. 

“We’re good.” Hide lifted up his eyebrows. “For real! We’re friends, we stayed that way, and I come visit every week. Twice!” They didn’t talk that much, and he was mostly there for Ichika, who was growing up so fast that it sometimes made him cry. “But yeah, it’s… complicated?”

Because he had never been tough enough to confront himself with the fact that they weren’t it for each other. And she had moved on years ago.

Hide could probably hear him thinking. “I think she would accept anything from you, even if it was something mushy like… like Shakespeare’s sonnets!” 

“All I would be able to write is ‘I’m sorry’.”

Hide snorted. “Okay, maybe don’t do that. She’ll literally come here to beat your ass, and then beat mine for allowing you to write that.”

He was being despicable, Kaneki knew that. So, he thought while scrunching his eyebrows together. “It would be totally gibberish, I’m afraid,” he concluded.

“Then, let it be gibberish!” Hide threw his arms up in extravagance. “If that’s what the heart desires.”

And at last, Kaneki laughed. It was such a stupid possibility that it could be the best one after all. He still said “Sometimes, I don’t understand you,” because he was asking a thousand questions with those words. Hide only chuckled and said that that was exactly what he was talking about. 

The cards were half finished, one with a small apology because Kaneki couldn’t get over himself, and Hide stood up to make a new pot when Kaneki confessed. 

“I’m happy.”

Hide turned around from the kitchen. “Is that so?”

“Yes, as there is no better place in the world to spend my birthday and the holidays than right here.”

He got a gentle slap on the head for that. 

“Just finish those cards, you dork.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still wanted to explain the whole Jabberwocky in this small chapter, as it is an interesting prompt, but why shouldn't I leave that mystery for you to solve?


	6. Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With trial comes error, but they will keep trying and work it out together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter with probably some mistakes here and there, and nsfw upcoming. 
> 
> Take care of yourself!

“We can go to church, pray for our souls to be freed from our sins,” Hide said when Kaneki asked if there was anything to do today. As he had woken up in a state of daze, with Hide’s arm over his chest and his nose pressed into his neck, the first thought that came into Kaneki’s mind was that it was Christmas Eve tonight. 

“Do people still do that?” Kaneki greedily grabbed for the mug that Hide brought him, warming his hands and inhaling the odour of hot coffee. His toes were freezing on the stone floor as the heating hadn’t chosen to make its efforts known. And he fucking forgot to pick his socks up from upstairs. 

Hide never paid mind to it. Every morning he ate his toast with eggs in a thin sweatshirt. His socks had holes in them that big that they couldn’t be considered socks anymore. “Here they do. It’s midnight mass filled with singing, which is actually fun to go to.” 

“You actually go?”

“It’s fun if you go, like, once in your life.” Hide wiped away the crumbs around his mouth and licked the egg yolk off his fingers. “We can go. It’s some kind of experience.”

Kaneki was too distracted by where Hide’s fingers were going to completely understand what he was saying. “Yeah, of course.”

He got a ludicrous look back for that. “You really want to?” 

“Uh huh.”

“Dude, what’s got you so distracted? It surely mustn’t be the Christmas spirit.”

Kaneki rolled his eyes. “You think you’re quite funny, don’t you?” Of course, nothing went past Hide and he exactly knew what was going on, and so Kaneki had to hold in a yelp as something touched his foot. 

“Isn’t that supposed to be a general trait of my archetype? The funny side-character who has no personality but being The Childhood Friend?” Even though his socks were non-existent, Hide’s feet were like warm duvets over his own. He was rubbing up his ankles right now, looking smug about it. The bastard.

“That’s it?”

“I could be more.” And with that, Hide stood up to take the dishes to the kitchen, leaving Kaneki to take a breather and slow down his heart. One of these days, Hide would give him an aneurism and then laugh about it. 

It was embarrassing, because Hide knew this, and he was taking so much pleasure in it. Saying stuff like this, doing stuff like that, it had become his purpose to set Kaneki on edge. 

He dragged his hands over his face, shaking himself out of it. “Let’s not go to church,” he mumbled, but then his eyes fell on the whole room. Beside the everyday trinkets lying around, there was not much to look at. “Why didn’t we decorate your home?”

Hide shrugged, as if he hadn’t even given it a thought. “We should decorate,” Kaneki stated, and he jumped up to look around for any decoration. He didn’t know where to start, but soon Hide would become bored of looking at him parading around the room to find any kind of box that might contain something and help him. Kaneki looked up from the drawer he was crouching at after some time. “Do you even have decorations here?” 

“I don’t remember ever buying stuff, so no.” 

“I’d have thought you were the person to flood the house with that stuff.” 

“Have you ever seen me celebrate this at all?”

Kaneki had to conclude that, no, he had never seen Hide dancing around with tinsel. “But you were always so excited, every single year,” he protested. 

“That was just me really getting into the lights they’d put up around the city! And the snow!” Hide grinned as he had won, and ruffled Kaneki’s hair when he came closer. “I don’t think there’s much we can buy at this moment, but we can make it ourselves?” He bit his lip, hesitating. “If you’re up for that, of course.”

Kaneki couldn’t repress his smile. “Yeah, that sounds way better than going to church.”

And that was exactly what kept them busy until dinnertime. Hide had collected all of his old paper lying around, which were a couple of newspapers, letters, tax notifications, and so much more. “How come I’ve never noticed the clutter before?” Kaneki looked exasperated at the whole pile of materials as Hide was looking for scissors. 

He appeared from behind the counter, holding up two scissors and some string. “The aesthetic here is junk. You can’t notice junk if everything is junk.” He sat down on the carpet next to Kaneki, laying out everything he had found. “We still need tape,” he said it more to himself, but Kaneki tapped his head with a roll. “Where would I be without you?”

“Still in school, probably.” It was meant to be a joke, but it didn’t come out as such. Kaneki had to fumble with the papers so as to not break into a mini-panic attack. 

It was Hide who threw more paper at him. “And doesn’t that sound fucking boring? I’d rather be cutting snowflakes with my best bud on some tiny island.”

Kaneki snorted, despite himself. He glanced at the paper in his hands, having no idea of what to do with it. “You want to make snowflakes?”

“ _ You  _ make the snowflakes. I do the garlands!”

The garlands ended up being small loops made of newspaper, chained to each other in a couple of long strings. Hide was now busy with balancing on the kitchen steps as he tried to tape his creations to the walls. They soon were spread criss-cross through the room, but they definitely gave a more festive atmosphere, if you convinced yourself well enough.

“You’ll always find a way to beat me, huh?” Hide sighed and sat down on the steps as he stared at what Kaneki had been making. “You were supposed to make simple snowflakes! How d’you even know how to make these?”

Kaneki flushed and cradled his stars to his chest. “I looked them up on your laptop. They just seemed fun to do...”

“They look like some level 1000 origami shit. How many did you make?”

Behind him, there was a whole bunch of them, all done and with a string. “Like, twenty? I made a couple of snowflakes too.”

Hide bounced to him, taking the stars in his hand, then observed his cut out snowstars. “Come on, Ken! These aren’t like the snowflakes they make in kindergarten.”

“Were you expecting me to make kindergarten snowflakes?”

Hide pointed at his garlands with slight bitterness. “Yeah.”

“Too bad. These will look good in front of the windows, though.” His pride was scoffed at, but he ignored Hide’s scowl and went to one of the windows with a couple of stars. In the middle of tying them to the curtain rod, Hide pressed into him. 

“I’m gonna get an extra sweater. Should I take something for you with me?” His breath felt hot against Kaneki’s neck, and for a short moment he was dragged back to the moment in the sea. The good moment, that was, as Kaneki had been thinking about that one more than the drastic turn after the good moment. He had been thinking about it quite a lot, actually, so his face heated up as he thought about it again. 

“I’d like some extra socks,” he croaked out, and then Hide squeezed him before nearly escaping the whack Kaneki tried to give him. He disappeared into his room, leaving Kaneki with a bunch of snowflakes and a garland that hadn’t succeeded to stick to the wall. It hung sadly over the other ones, and Kaneki was already privately complaining about the prediction of them all coming off the walls soon enough. 

Pulling out more string, Kaneki set to work with rearranging all of Hide’s chains. Kaneki almost tripped off the steps as the doorbell rang loudly. With a quick glance at the hallway to conclude that Hide wasn’t going to appear again, he went to open the door. 

Every time, he seemed to forget that he couldn’t communicate on this island. So when he was met with an older lady at the door, who was holding some of those huge tupperwares, he was lost at what to do. 

She looked surprised as well, and said something to him so quickly and melodious that there was no way for him to understand it. The faces of discomfort he was pulling didn’t throw her off, she just kept rambling and tried to push the boxes into his hands. 

“I found three socks, so that’s all you get- _ Ella! _ ” The joyous shriek was followed by a Hide almost jumping him to greet this… Ella. The worst thing of it all was that he didn’t let Kaneki go as he talked to her, which seemed to go on and on. And he couldn’t even gag when the wafts of food entered his nostrils. The poor lady was constantly looking at him. 

In the end, he still got handed the tupperwares plus a pet on the cheek as Ella told him something about food. The childish boast he got from the fact that he finally got something out of a conversation wasn’t left unnoticed by Hide, who grinned cheekily at him as he closed the door. 

Kaneki pushed the tupperwares in Hide’s hands, his cheeks tinted red. “I’m trying, okay? So shut up.”

“I know, I know.” But it was far from apologetic. He set the containers on the kitchen counter and kept his eyes on them, contemplating. “Ella must’ve noticed that I had a guest over. Mostly she just gives me half a chicken.” 

Choosing to stay far away from the containers, Kaneki spoke up. “She does that for everyone around here?”

“Oh no, it’s only for the lonely souls at Christmas, which is me and mr. Greig as far as I know. I wasn’t expecting anything this year, as I thought she’d know I wouldn’t be alone this time.” Hide was acting coolly, but there were red patches appearing on his neck. They amused Kaneki to no end, and he had to hide his smirk from Hide as he turned around excitedly. 

“Look! She even left a little message with it!” He was waving with some paper in front of him. “‘Share it with your special guest’, it says. That’s you.” It was a surprise that he could say that while he had been melting over what he was rambling about previously. 

“I could have read it myself,” Kaneki murmured as he went over to Hide. Once, in a lifetime that felt so far away, his mouth might have started watering only because of the smells that escaped the containers. That felt like a dream that he had only imagined instead of really experienced. “Is Ella the person to ask for opinions on her creations?”

“Should I type out a script for you?” From what Kaneki could see, Hide looked sadly at the food, though he tried to hide it. “This won’t stay good long enough for me to eat it all. It’s a pity.”

Kaneki hummed, still half-longing for the universe where he could eat this. “Don’t let me stop you from enjoying it, though. I’ll gladly put a towel over my nose and watch you eat.”

“Yeah, that sounds pretty creepy when you say it like that.” Laughing at the shove he received for that, Hide went to the kitchen to pick up a plate. He took two of them, but stopped holding them awkwardly in his hands. “I still have some of that high-end veg meat lying in the freezer. If you want to, that is.” 

Hunger hadn’t been on his mind for some time, which was the only time when he would think of food or eating. But the occasion was calling for it, Kaneki thought. So he nodded and asked with some amusement: “Did Shuu sponsor you?” 

“Bet you he did. Got a wholesome letter with it as well, like he personally sent me the package when he knew you were coming. He’s like Ella.”

“If it is Shuu’s, how could I ever deny it?” 

Hide had wanted to react to that, Kaneki noticed how his mouth opened and closed quickly.  _ Don’t you dare,  _ he showed with a squinted look, but Hide only held up his hands in defense after he had put down the plates. 

Soon, both had their dinner in front of them to enjoy. Kaneki had to admit it, even the poorly made garlands had succeeded to bring a cozy atmosphere. They looked crumpled in some places by how much tape Hide used to make the little loops. Endeared, he wondered if parents felt exactly like this when their kids showed their creations. 

Or, maybe, when lovers showed each other crappy excuses for decorations. 

“Don’t choke on the good stuff,” Hide quipped when Kaneki almost spit out his bite because of his thoughts. With watering eyes, he tried his best to raise an eyebrow at Hide, but like Hide had done earlier, he let it be. 

Hide went on about some anecdotes he had taken over from his guests. The way he told them made it seem he himself had traveled the whole world, or that he could picture it all in front of his eyes. Kaneki could, and almost choked again by how much he hung on every word the other was saying. 

_ You’re making an embarrassment of yourself,  _ he scolded himself as Hide cleaned the dishes and he had taken it upon himself to do the table. Between the scrubbing off sauce and picking up bits of roasted potato from the table, Kaneki brooded quietly about how he could easily be reading everything wrong, and that there were only a couple of days left for him here. It had been kind of clear that they had moved past the possibility of being something entirely else. Only had he yet to accept that. 

But then he found a bunch of leaves cut out of paper, tied up together as a small bouquet. Or, they must have meant to look like leaves, otherwise his realisation would be a waste. Mistletoe.

“Uh, Hide.” He must have looked as shell-shocked as he felt, because Hide was bursting into laughter the moment he saw Kaneki and the mistletoe pinched between his fingers like he didn’t know what to do with it. 

“You found my surprise creation,” he chuckled as he leaned on the counter. “You know what it is right- Oh, stop looking like I bit you in the ass! You can do whatever with it. Burn it if that’s what your heart desires.”

With one glance at the mistletoe, Kaneki stood up promptly and marched over to the drawertop where they had left the tape. “We ought to hang it up. Isn’t that what you do with mistletoes?” 

“If I had known you’d be so into it, I’d have made more.” 

Kaneki took a chair and put it down rather aggressively by the archway of the hallway. He kind of felt like a parent putting up their child’s artwork after it had been bashed. “Why hide it in the first place? Why bother making it, then? What did you think I’d say to it?” 

“Wow, that’s way too many questions right now, sir.” As a response, Kaneki bit into the tape and ripped it from the roll. “I made it out of impulse, but then I didn’t know what to do with it. I had no idea how you would react to it, okay? We’re… weird.”

Kaneki scoffed at that, as he didn’t want to be confronted by the fact that it was true. “That’s not it,” he denied it. “We’re just- we’re confusing.”

“Confusing? Is that all you could come up with? Because I can vaguely remember you being a literature student-”

“You’re repulsive. How’s that, huh?”

“Ouch,” Hide said with a chuckle. He stood with Kaneki, holding the chair for security. “If I had known you’d only use your powers for pure evil...”

“You would have ditched me a long time ago? You should’ve told me you have such a fragile heart.” And with that, he stuck the mistletoe to the wall. “So, that’s done.”

“Congratulations. Now get off that chair.” From up here, Hide’s face looked nervously giddy. Kaneki wanted to point out that this had sort of been his own idea, but Hide made his breath stuck in his throat, and there was nothing clever to say anymore. 

“See? Repulsion personified.” But he got off the chair, and before he could set it away, Hide’s hand stopped him. It was clammy, and his eyes were wavering a little. 

Without thinking about it, Kaneki looked up at the mistletoe hanging above them, then gazed at Hide. “Hanging that stuff isn’t equal to consent, so, do you-”

Kaneki nodded heavily. “Yeah, of course. If you want to.” 

It was only followed by a small peck, the first they had shared since the afternoon on the shore, and it was so hesitant that he himself started doubting if this was the right thing to do. It was disappointing. Hide leaned back just as quickly as well, but when Kaneki forced himself to look at him, he saw longing. If that wasn’t his mind playing games with him. 

“Go ahead. I’m going to turn off all the lights.” Kaneki stayed stiffly under the arch as the room turned darker each time Hide flipped a switch. He pursed his lips as Hide approached him again, as there was an urge to make himself big before the other. 

“So much for going ahead.”

“Do you really want to, Hide?” Kaneki blurted out, because he was scared that he had felt in such high spirits for nothing. Going to bed without another word and having to share the covers as if nothing happened, he refused it. 

“I haven’t wanted anything else more than this in my entire life. It’s absolutely terrifying, actually.”

Kaneki was worried that if he were to draw eyebrows together even more, Hide would think he was frowning. But that was what he looked like when he was baffled, but in an ‘in awe’ way. He was baffled by how much he could be in awe. “I want to say something, but I think it’s going to be pretty stupid, so i won’t.”

Hide looked around them, like he was waiting for something. “So, then we just...”

“Yeah,” Kaneki said, more firmly this time. So it was more than gentle pecking. As soon as his lips grazed Hide’s, it was already a thousand times more of everything good than the last times. His heart swelled up when Hide’s hands started to helplessly trail over his body, trying to find out what was good. It made Kaneki feel confident enough to pull him closer by his collar. 

It was a bit of a stumble through the hallway, especially when Hide decided to move away a couple of times to look at him with such wonder in his eyes. The way Hide was sometimes; it made him want to pull away and push himself against him as close as possible all the same. Now, that wasn’t a possibility, so he had to be content with Hide sucking softly on his lip, trying to open him up in the most tender way. 

“We- we shouldn’t stop doing this,” Kaneki gasped as Hide’s lips left his to nibble at his throat. It was meant to be a fleeting comment because he just didn’t know what to do now that Hide had attached himself to something else than his mouth, but then Hide was gone and it seemed so serious all of a sudden. 

“Why would we stop? Do you want to stop?” Hide stared at him with intensity that made him feel weak in the knees. 

“No! Just that- We aren’t under the mistletoe anymore.” 

He was smothered by Hide’s embrace and the thousands of kisses he was given on his face. “I’ll make a million of these lame ass mistletoes if that’s what you want.”

“You’re ridiculous, and don’t you run away from me just to do some more papier mache.” Because he was afraid that Hide would really go through with his plan if he didn’t stop him now. “If it’s alright with you, kiss me again.”

His lungs were pressed together, and he let out a gasp as the other picked him up by his waist. “Don’t fucking break your back!” Kaneki shrieked when Hide almost folded backwards, but he laughed with some restraint and found back his balance. Small steps with shaking legs brought them to Hide’s room, the silence interrupted by the occasional grunts.

“You can take it easy, grandpa,” Kaneki mumbled after Hide had finally put him down on the small bed. He was not joined yet as Hide collected some of the stray clothes laying around on the floor, his eyes looking haphazardly through the whole room. 

“Is this a jab for what I said about your age?” It was only a little, but his words were shaky. He turned around with pursed lips, standing in the middle of the room. For the first time, Hide seemed to have nothing clever to say anymore. 

Waiting for something to happen, Kaneki shuffled back to lean against the wall, like he had done the first night he had found himself in this bed. That didn’t do anything about Hide’s pinched look either.

“What’s the matter?” Kaneki asked, and he surprised himself by how relaxed he sounded. 

Hide slumped his head before taking his space on the bed. “I wanted to make a joke about viagra, but I- never mind,” was what he ended with when he saw Kaneki’s slightly horrified expression. Hide pushed himself towards Kaneki on his hands and knees. “It was a joke!”

Cornered and pinned between Hide’s arms, Kaneki felt his cheeks warm. “You can’t honestly be like that.” 

“So I shall stop for now.” And he was quick to connect his lips with Kaneki’s again before any other complaints. 

The ruckus he had caused because of that stupid mistletoe had been worth it. His eyes were closed, Hide cradling his neck with his hand and nipping at his lips until he opened his mouth. The other’s tongue prodded hesitantly deeper, like the way he had stood in the room just now. But as Kaneki’s chest heaved up, trying to take in what was happening with deep breaths, Hide let go of his uncertainty. 

It was still played safe, like how Hide took his hips and softly guided him down onto the bed. Then Kaneki realised that he was the one who could do something about that as well, so with a hand flat on Hide’s back he dragged him down against him. He was looked at with some dazed eyes, but they were only asking for permission again. An open mouth against Hide’s jaw was enough to finally get him down for good now. 

“You’re an aggressive one,” Hide said through clenched teeth as Kaneki went down on his throat. With desperation, he took Kaneki’s chin to be able to kiss him again, taking in each other with much liberation. Kaneki’s tongue traced Hide’s gently, not so aggressive as Hide had made him seem to be. It didn’t stay like that for long; hands krept to his hips and under his sweater. 

Kaneki shivered against the warm touch. “And yet it’s  _ you  _ who starts the attack.” He was silenced with a smirk against his lips, having found inspiration in what he had just said. A leg slid over his own, rubbing and feeling around what was possible before moving it between Kaneki’s legs. Hide sighed as his whole weight touched Kaneki, starting to feel how close he was. 

It was then that Kaneki’s whole body rutted up against Hide. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do, but he didn’t dare to ask and lose Hide’s tongue working itself into his mouth. He let one of his hands splay over Hide’s stomach, now bare with his own sweatshirt rucked up to his chest by their movements. Under the skin, Kaneki could feel his muscles tense up, Hide exhaling between his lips and moving up with his pelvis until Kaneki’s fingers reached the waist of his jeans. 

Something overcame him to dip his fingers under it, very lightly. It was apparently enough for Hide’s hips to stutter for a moment, but then he pushed himself into Kaneki’s hand, like he was inviting him to do anything. It scared him slightly, but Hide was there tracing his hip bone, his thumb creeping closer to his crotch. Kaneki realised that they wanted the same. 

The button and zipper came undone under his workings with ease, Hide dragging off his shirt. With dizzy anticipation, Kaneki waited until his hands were free from the sleeves, and he took Hide’s cock in his hand, still hidden under his boxers. He was half-hard, and Kaneki felt himself melt just because he was holding him. 

“Shit-  _ Ken.  _ Give me some fucking warning next time.” Hide moved himself up but stayed in Kaneki’s hand letting his hand drag over him until his arms started shaking. 

Kaneki felt cocky for the first time in his life. “Okay,” he whispered. “Here’s your warning.” And he went inside his boxers to jerk him off for real this time. 

Hide grunted, snapping about something like unfairness, and bucked into Kaneki’s hold with much enthusiasm. For him, it was a moment of wonder when he looked at Hide clearly trying to keep his control, but failing at some moments. His brows were knitted together, which he always did when he was thinking. The expression was too inappropriate to be put back in middle school, but it still brought Kaneki back to those times. 

His daze was interrupted by Hide’s faltering rhythm. “Oh… no more. Please.” Before Kaneki could act out of sheer panic, Hide kissed his chest. “I’d have come.”

“Oh,” Kaneki sighed and swallowed loudly as Hide moved down his stomach and finished dragging Kaneki’s pants down, underwear and all. He looked up at Kaneki, seemingly seeking permission, and that was all the warning he was getting. Revenge, he supposed, because as soon as Kaneki nodded, Hide lowered his head to take him into his mouth. 

He threw his head against the pillow, trying his hardest not to move around too much. With shaky breaths, he heaved his head up, just to see Hide licking down his shaft. 

He didn’t have to see that, there was no reason for him to see that. Screwing his eyes shut, he said: “I’m going to die.” 

Hide shuckled, the vibrations making Kaneki arch his back until it strained. “You’re not going to die. You’re just dramatic.”

“If I was being dramatic, I’d have said I’d die a thousand deaths.” He wasn’t sure if Hide was listening to him anymore, because he was yet again enveloped by wet heat despite his whining. Kaneki didn’t know how to explain that he felt like he was dying, but was welcoming it all the same. He had no wish to die, but this would be the most peaceful and lovely death anyone could ever have had. If he were to die. 

Hide’s hand reached for his, and led it to his head, pushing it between his locks. He only let go when he was certain Kaneki would keep his hand there. Holding something so alive was like a reassurance that he wasn’t actually dying. 

There was a hand around his ass, not doing anything yet . Heat rose to his whole face by the thoughts of what could be. So Kaneki pushed himself against it, stirring it to life. Hide breathed loudly through his nose as he dug his fingers deeply into his flesh. The sensation made Kaneki put his other hand flush against Hide’s nape and under his collar, just to be able to feel a little of what Hide was feeling. 

The hand was gone all of a sudden, and so was Hide’s mouth, leaving Kaneki cold and wet and wanting. “You said you weren’t being dramatic,” Hide chuckled as he pushed his own sweater over his head. He gave Kaneki a glance, then dipped two fingers in his mouth. He bowed down, and Kaneki would say something about it being mockful and so unnecessary if it didn’t bring Hide’s mouth to his cock again. 

Hide grabbed both of his hands and lay them down on his bare shoulders, as if he knew exactly what Kaneki had needed. His tongue rubbed against his slit, and Kaneki mewled. He put all his focus on not squeezing Hide to death, that he had nothing left to notice Hide’s wet fingers trailing over his cheek. They were so light, almost leaving no trace as they slipped lower. A prod at his entrance, and Kaneki swelled up. 

“Oh my fucking- Fuck!” With his sudden movements, Hide’s fingertip slid into him a little by accident. “Fuck me-” 

Immediately, the fingers moved away and Hide looked at him ridiculously. “For real?”

His whole being was ablaze because of his own words. It was embarrassing, and not something he had thought of at all. But now that his treacherous mouth had spoken those words… he quite liked the thought of it. 

“Yeah, sure.” They were proper adults, who could talk about adult stuff and do it as well. Yet, Kaneki felt like he was going to explode if he had to say one more word. 

Hide didn’t give him the easy way out, however. “Are you for real right now?” 

“Yes! Yes, I am! Now get on with it.” he winced, eyening Hide carefully. “If you want to, of course.” 

Fortunately, Hide seemed to have taken no offense. “As if I could ever say no to that!” His eyes were twinkling, and his grin broad. 

“Can we even?” Kaneki asked hastily, shuffling up to give Hide more space on the bed. Hide gives him a smile full of mischief as he leans over him. 

“If you meant to ask about the materials, then yes, absolutely.” And with that, Hide took some things out of his bedside table. He waved a small bottle of lube and a condom secured between his fingers in front of Kaneki. “Did you mean these?”

Kaneki huffed, because he figured that Hide was going to take all the humiliating joy out of this. He eyed the lube, which was almost finished. “Can I assume that these don’t stay in the drawer for long periods of time?” he asked with a quip.

“You’re either saying that I’m very good friends with myself, mr. Greig, or my guests. And as I mostly have families and couples staying over, the last one is highly inappropriate.” Hide opened the bottle and let the substance glide over the same fingers he had wet previously. “I don’t know what you’ve been imaging, Ken, but-”

“You’re putting words into my mouth.” Kaneki slowly spread his legs as Hide put his hand on his knee, the other one trying to get rid of his jeans and underwear all the way. He only laughed at Kaneki as a response, and he settled his fingers back on his ass, rubbing the sensitive skin, teasing so sweetly, before pressing one finger in. 

“Relax,” Hide whispered when Kaneki didn’t even know that he had gone all rigid. And Kaneki tried his hardest, but it was Hide sinking a part of himself into him. However could he remain calm?

“I can do it myself,” Kaneki said without a thought. Maybe taking some control back would do him good. “Just give me the lube.”

Hide paused his movements, and stared at Kaneki in all seriousness. “Have you ever fingered yourself?”

Kaneki sputtered. “What- why… Have you?” he threw back. 

“Hadn’t I said that I was my own best friend?” He laughed at Kaneki’s pinched look. “I live alone in my own man cave, and love thyself, right?”

“It’s ‘Love thy neighbour’.” But Kaneki was cut short on his elaboration when Hide curved his finger, stroking his insides with enough pressure for him to long for more. He felt his whole body vibrate while he tried to breathe, his neck prickling and his mouth trying to keep all the sounds in. 

He bucked up into the stretch when the second, and then the third was added. All the while, Hide looked so concentrated that he might as well have been painting a masterpiece. He tried to notice all his sighs and movements. He sometimes kissed his chest, left his leg with his free hand to thumb his nipples. They were silent through the whole ordeal, and Kaneki kept looking at the ceiling instead of Hide. It was because Hide was staring at him, and the feel of that was already too much. 

His body chased Hide’s fingers when they left him, and he pushed himself up to see Hide trying to rip open the condom package. Without anything better to do, Kaneki took it from him without meeting his eye. His hands were clammy, but he got the condom out with no difficulty. He only saw Hide’s face when he reached out for him. 

“Whenever I see you so serious, I start to worry.” Feeling the urge to soothe Hide, Kaneki crawled over to sit so that their knees were touching. He was close enough to feel Hide breath on his cheek when he took hold of his cock and was sliding the condom slowly over his length. 

“You want me to make a dick joke?” His chuckles were meant to be light, but they concerned Kaneki even more. “Would you hate it if I said that I was scared? Even just a little bit?”

“It’s just me,” Kaneki tried to reassure him. 

“Nothing about you is ‘just’.” Hide cracked a smile, more relaxed now. “That includes the fact that all that you bring makes me feel like a fool. Pretty unfair and not just at all.”

Kaneki rolled his eyes, though flatter coloured his cheeks again. “There we go,” he said. “No dick jokes needed.” Then, he brought his face to Hide’s, and kissed him with all the lust he had in him. 

It was Hide who pulled him onto his lap, and he himself who apologized for parting their lips as he had to look between them to guide Hide into him properly. A dull sting was felt in his neck as he lowered himself with deep breaths. Hide was biting him, and it aroused him all the more. 

“G-od, you were fucking lying! I-ah, I do need a dick joke right now.” 

Kaneki kissed him instead, tongue darting out to catch all of Hide’s deepest sounds. He wanted to feel the vibrations of his throaty grunts himself as he started picking up a rhythm. Just enough to be distracted from thinking about what they were doing. It would be over immediately if he did that, he was sure. 

Their chests rubbed together, Kaneki straining his legs to keep moving. Through it all, Hide kept looking at him with so much wonder in his eyes. Kaneki had no idea if Hide was really enjoying himself. Or what he was thinking. 

All of a sudden, a hand on his lower back and neck held him as he was slowly pushed backward. Caught in the moment, Kaneki panicked and felt like he was falling into the depths of something. His breath stocked in his throat as he was put upon the pillow that had been there the whole time, and he realised he was still in Hide’s room. 

“You looked like you were tiring yourself,” Hide said with a rough voice. And with that, he swiftly rolled his hips, and then again as if it was the easiest thing he had ever done. 

Kaneki’s body was pushed up by the intensity of Hide’s hips, those hips that brushed his backside so deliciously every time they came together. He was afraid that he would be pushed further away from Hide, so he pulled him closer by his shoulders. Then he could also see Hide’s eyes.

The wonder was gone for the most part. Hide had seemed to have figured out whatever kind of magic he had been seeing just now. Now, his eyes were glazed over, his pupils dilated. They looked even darker with the bright red of his cheeks. He had never seen that colour on him, not even in the harshest cold that this island often gave. That it may be all for him, it was enough to make him moan. 

More and more of Hide was touching him. They were too occupied with breathing through it to kiss, but they weren’t capable of leaving the other’s gaze. Kaneki’s whole spine stood aflame, and all he could do now was not clawing into Hide’s skin or listening to his own sounds. Hide’s were much more beautiful anyway. 

“Hey, I can’t-  _ hmm _ . I cannot-” Kaneki tried to make himself clear, as though Hide hadn’t been following his every quiver. 

So Hide pressed in harder, sped up and let go of any rhythm that they had going. He almost succumbed to the pressure, lowering as he kept thrusting himself into Kaneki. His stomach rubbed over his cock, and it was over. 

He couldn’t press his mouth closed as he came, and so he pulled Hide down to let his moans be smothered by his mouth. His hips bucked stiffly through his orgasm, and he felt Hide slowing down, already languidly kissing him. “No, don’t… please. Keep going,” he said when he could finally part himself from him. 

He felt vulnerable and oversensitive as Hide obliged and went on. He tried to breath and take in every detail of Hide’s face as his movements grew chaotic. There was the concentrated expression again, and whenever he opened his eyes, Kaneki was captured by them. 

Suddenly, Hide shoved a hand under his back and lifted him off the bed. He drove himself into Kaneki as deep as he could, and groaned. For a moment, they were silent. Then, Hide fell on top of him with a lack of grace. 

“Fuck.” Hide was panting in his neck, trying to make his body move and pull himself out. He had to, so he did, leaving Kaneki for a small moment to bask on his own to throw away the condom. “You made me forget words,” he said when he lay back against Kaneki. 

Kaneki didn’t know what to say to that, like he wouldn’t thank him for it. “That’s quite romantic of you.” It was the only thing he could come up with. 

Hide barked a laugh, still out of breath. “I am romantic. I do romantic things, like I made you dinner and took you out.”

“You  _ warmed up _ food that came from Shuu, and you brought me to the coldest places on Earth.”

“But they were good experiences, right?”

With a hand on his chin, Kaneki’s face was tilted to Hide. “It was good for you, right?” 

Rolling his eyes, he kissed Hide’s forehead. “I’m going to regret saying this the moment you hear it, but everything’s good if it has you in it.”

To his relief, Hide didn’t immediately start taunting him. He was beaming instead, from what Kaneki could see. He then krept closer to him and pulled the covers over them. “Awh, but you’re my good in everything too.”

“Now you’re just making a fool out of me.”

“Oh, but then we’re even, because I’m already a fool for you.”

He got a light swat for that, so he kept his mouth shut after that. Kaneki was already falling asleep, his exhaustion getting to him so fast that he couldn’t keep his eyes open for much longer. He was lulled by Hide’s breathing, and almost didn’t hear the last words he said. 

“You’re so good.”

And he would have lied to himself if that didn’t make his heart thud. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed, this was planned out to be published around Christmas. Well, have some post-Christmas cheer instead!
> 
> Thank you for your support and all the lovely comments and thoughts!
> 
> Until the last chapter,  
> ~N

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Don't be shy to share whatever you have on your mind in the comments, or come visit me on Tumblr! [(Nishushi)](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nisushi)


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